


beauty

by Legitrashcan, lolnomin



Series: The Before, The After, and The Now [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Death, Friendship, M/M, Making Out, Marriage, Not Beta Read, Road Trip, Sexual Content, lowkey panic attack kind of, paddleton au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 01:05:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18840493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legitrashcan/pseuds/Legitrashcan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolnomin/pseuds/lolnomin
Summary: Jaehyun's memory with Johnny





	beauty

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! if you have me on twt you know this was supposed to be posted last week but I got busy  
> anyways this isn't proofread or beta read whichever of the two but I hope you enjoy it!

~~~~

“I recommend you see a specialist”

 

“What kind of specialist?”

 

“An oncologist”

 

“That’s the cancer one?”

 

“Yes”

 

\----

 

It was a slow process. At first Jaehyun just knew him as the guy next door who occasionally would come home really late being a little too loud. Gradually he became the neighbor that would come over when he had ordered or made to much frozen pizza. Soon Johnny had found a way to get into every aspect of his life. They both had keys to each other's place  soon after and knew mostly everything about each other. Relationships weren’t a thing that existed or that they talked about. Always kept that way.

 

That’s the summarized version as Jaehyun likes to say. Before it all started

 

\-----

 

“Jae! Did I tell you about lunch today?” Johnny said as he started helping Jaehyun with the pizza. He shook his head, continuing to add the toppings. “ I saw a man hover, you know, like I couldn’t see his bottom half. He just floated by like a ghost”.

 

“Most likely some guy on a hoverboard John,” Jaehyun replied, putting the pizza in the oven. “Jaeeee, it looked weird and strangely normal” Jaehyun really didn’t pay attention after that. Johnny would always go on these long talks about how things would change if the strange things he saw were actually real and not something imaginary. This stuff always happened when Jaehyun had gotten off of work so it seemed as if he was angry even if he didn't mean it.

 

“You need to grow i’m tired of having to reach the cups for you” Johnny said as he handed Jaehyun a cup and the pitcher of water he always had in his fridge. “You have the nicer oven,” he responded pouring water into the cup.

 

“What movie is it tonight?” Jaehyun asked as he grabbed a slice of pizza. “Zootopia” Johnny grinned, sitting down next to Jaehyun. “We watch that like twice a week you furry!” Jaehyun groaned as he kicked Johnny.

\-------

It was around 2am when Jaehyun heard the coughing and dry heaving. The walls were thin and it was extremely easy to hear. It was even clearer with Johnny’s bathroom being right next to Jaehyun’s room.

 

It was getting harder to ignore that nothing was happening. The vomiting, coughing and sometimes when Johnny seemed like he would just stop breathing at one point in the night. Jaehyun was worried like every good friend. Who wouldn’t be worried about their dying friend? It would always startle him at night. He hated it. He couldn’t ask out of respect of the others privacy, and specifically asking for it to be a closed case. Johnny would act as nothing was happening. As if it was preventing him from being able to DJ, his favorite thing in the entire world which they only let him do mornings which had no business. There was nothing either of them could do, but for the meantime.

 

Jaehyun was going to try no matter how hard.

 

\------

 

“I’ve always loved this spot you know” Johnny said breaking the silence. They were currently in the small, somewhat “park” they had behind the apartment. It was a weekly thing they did or just whenever they felt like it. Snacks would be involved while they would point out random shapes of clouds in the sky, or lay in silence until the snacks would be finished to head back up.

 

“Really?” Jaehyun asked as he turned to Johnny. “Yeah. It gives me a source of comfort for the future.” He replied, still looking up to the blue sky which was now turning cloudy. Jaehyun looked back up and gulped. It was hard to not know what he was hinting at. Decisions hadn’t been made. No talk had happened after the appointment. It was as if nothing had happened. It was just a normal check up at the doctors and everything had gone back to normal. Nothing had changed. That’s what it seemed like to Jaehyun anyways.

 

Johnny got up with a grunt as he dusted off his pants, “Come on peach boy, it's getting late.” he said as he held out his hand for Jaehyun. Jaehyun laughed as he grabbed Johnny's hand. “I thought we forgot about that nickname, Mr. Suh.” “Temporarily,.” Johnny responded as they walked back to the apartments hand in hand.

 

\------

 

“Jae? Did you listen to what I said?”

 

“What?”

“A road trip... for the prescription they sent me.”

 

Jaehyun rubbed his temples, “What is it even for?”

 

Johnny responded, barely audible as he started to look away. “Johnny I can't hear you, speak up.” Jaehyun said as he lightly kicked Johnny’s leg.

 

“So I can die.”

 

\------

 

“Why’re we leaving so early, peach?” Johnny yawned as Jaehyun got into the car. "It’s a 7 hour drive." He responded as he started the car.

 

"Wake me up when we're near" Johnny said, getting comfortable and falling asleep quickly after. It always amazed Jaehyun how quickly Johnny could fall asleep. He guessed that Johnny had learned from when he used to DJ at night and he’d come home tired. It used to be annoying to Jaehyun when he would hear a door slam at 3am and the loud snoring of the neighbor. The walls were so thin that if the neighbors were doing something other than whispering you would hear it whether you liked it or not.

 

Slowly, over time, though, Johnny had won over Jaehyun. They slowly had gotten to know each other. From the small talk, they would make in the elevator and the times Johnny would make accidentally order too much pizza or food in general. Jaehyun was always the first one he would ask to come and finish it with him, “It's too much for a skinny boy like me! You also have to eat peaches!”. That was something Johnny would always tell him. Made Jaehyun believe that Johnny didn't “accidentally” order that much.

 

With music playing softly from the radio and the barely audible snores coming from Johnny, Jaehyun was drowning in memories. His fondest and earliest of them was when they had met (outside of their small talk). Jaehyun had finally thrown out his box of belongings from his ex. It has been a year since their breakup which finally made him decide it was time to move on.

 

It was right after he had come back home. The only thing Jaehyun had left was a can of peaches, which fitted well with his peach hoodie and light washed jeans. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. He was sitting watching Mulan while eating canned peaches when he heard knocking from his door. He sighed as he got up to open the door.

 

“You really like your peaches huh?” Was the first thing Johnny told him that day.

 

\-------

 

7 hours later. A full 7 hours and Jaehyun couldn’t believe his eyes when he finally got out of the car. Johnny had slept almost the entire way there. They had stopped for gas and Johnny went in for snacks. Once they were back in the car he ate them all and went back to sleep. He was still sleeping and the only way Jaehyun could think to wake him up was speeding and then hitting the brakes as hard as he could until Johnny woke up. Jaehyun knew the consequences of this, but it didn't matter.

 

He got it on the first try and it resulted is a very frightened Johnny and screaming. Jaehyun laughed, “I just wanted you to wake up not wake up the entire city” Johnny frowned and hit Jaehyun’s arm. “You almost gave me a heart attack don't do that!”

 

“Well, you didn’t so, let’s go check in” He responded as he parked the car and got out of the car to get the luggage.

 

\----

 

To say Jaehyun was distraught was an understatement. They were still pretending that it was nothing. When they had gone to pick up Johnny’s prescription he had taken it upon himself to keep the prescription safe, in the safe they had. He was worried. He didn't want to lose Johnny he was the only person he had left in this dumb unfair world. He didn't want to let go of him. He wanted him to also be happy and to. It was hard having to accept that, but there was nothing to be done. Nothing to be changed.

 

Right at that moment Johnny came into the room with food. “I went for a walk, but I realized we hadn’t eaten”

 

“Yeah, we haven't”

 

\------

 

It was midnight and Johnny had a need to go into the hot tub at their hotel. Even though it had closed two hours ago. “Come on, live a little Jae!” Johnny said as he jumped over the fence. Tonight wasn't a night of waiting that was for sure and Johnny was making it known. “We don't even have swim trunks!” Jaehyun whisper yelled, trying to be cautious of the other people near the area most likely sleeping. Johnny pouted as he took out 2 bottles in brown bags out of his jacket, “At least drink with me?”

 

Jaehyun sighed as he quickly jumped over a bit after Johnny. He knew Johnny had something up his sleeve when he wore his oversized windbreaker that he only wore for sneaking in snacks to the theater or anywhere that didn't allow food or drink.

 

Johnny had already stripped down to his boxers and was now in the pleasantly warm water. He wasn't even drunk and he was struggling to open his bottle. Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he took it from him and opened it. “Weak” he said as he handed it back and started to take off his clothes.

 

In no time Jaehyun was undressed and in the water with whatever drink Johnny had bought in his hand. Johnny smiled as he kicked Jaehyun's leg. “See? No harm in a little fu-”

 

“Pool's closed,” said a sweet but rough voice from behind them, as if they had just awoken. Jaehyun stood still as if he didn't move they wouldn't get caught  “Are those drinks? That's against the rules” the person said. Johnny quickly shook his head and Jaehyun followed suit. “Don't come over here please,”

 

“I'm getting in,” he paused, “Three isn't company, right?” he said as he started taking off his clothes

 

They assumed that the person now joining them in their after hours hotub time was the owner or a supervisor but chose to stay quiet. “You guys are so cute, you know that?” they looked at each other confused and looked back at the motel worker. “From the moment you guys walked in we could feel the overwhelming amount of love, it's super sweet” he smiled looking at them

 

“Oh no, we aren't like that” Jaehyun said, moving his hands around, “We love the gays though!” Johnny followed after. “Everyone's beautiful,” he added on. “We’re just neighbors, well more like friends”

 

“It's cool,” Johnny said, giving an awkward thumbs up. “I'm sorry we just assumed-”  he replied. “We? Who’s we?” Johnny asked.

 

“Me and my husband, we run the place”

 

“Your husband?”

 

“Um, where is your husband?” Jaehyun asked really hoping that the bubbles from the hot tub weren’t showing anything too graphic.

 

“He's right here, all around us” before they could even ask he continued talking, “He died a few years ago. His name was Yuta and I was his little Winwin.” He smiled as if he was reminiscing. They all sat in silence, hoping someone would break the thick air of the conversation.

 

“Sorry, I just unloaded all my baggage, i'm just no good at small talk” Winwin said as he put his head in his hands. “I hate it” Jaehyun responded “I hate small talk,” he continued as he looked into Winwins eyes. “It's like they can't come up with something better to start with” Jaehyun nodded, “It’s always so forced too, it's really annoying”

 

Johnny wasn’t blind. He could see the interest Jaehyun had for the owner, with that he took his chance as he announced that he was leaving, before Jaehyun tried to follow him he got up and ran to the room.

 

Winwin slid over next to Jaehyun as he started to ramble, “I d-don't have a key”. “It's okay, I have lots of keys” Winwin said as he looked at Jaehyun. He was looking down, hoping to come up with some conversation. The past 15 minutes or however long Winwin had been in the pool he had been staring. Winwin had an almost elegant looking silver necklace that complemented his collar bones perfectly. His face was also something so close to perfection. If he was being honest Winwin looked like he was sculpted by the gods, not as well as Johnny but that was for another time.

 

“Cute” Winwin said as he looked down. Jaehyun blushed as he looked up at Winwin. Winwin noticed, and then noticed himself and Jaehyun getting closer. Like a gravitational pull, their lips met. Neither of them knew what they were doing, they hadn’t known each other long, but it felt simply natural. Jaehyun’s hand traveled up to the nape of Winwin’s neck, deepening their kiss. Winwin found himself moving onto Jaehyun, one of his legs in between Jaehyun’s. Jaehyun got closer, feeling Winwin’s hands starting to claw at Jaehyun’s back. Winwin let out a quiet moan starting to grind on Jaehyun’s thigh.

 

At this point Jaehyun realized what wasn’t some wet dream and it was real life. The thought of it was too much for him and at this he pulled away. Jaehyun tried to move  Winwin off of him as gently as possible. His breathing starting to become more rapid. It wasn’t as if he hadn't done anything of the sort with people, but this time it was too much, didn't even feel right.

 

“I'm sorry.” He whispered as he got out of the water, quickly collecting his clothes and running back to the room.

 

\-----

 

“Jae where’s the medicine?” Johnny had asked the next morning. They had begun to pack to head back home. Jaehyun had work the next day and he really wasn’t looking forward to it. That was all he was thinking about, the long ride home and work.

 

“Yoonoh, where’d you put it?” Johnny asked again. He had been growing impatient now with Jaehyun ignoring him and pretending as if he had done nothing wrong. He continued to pack his stuff as if he heard nothing.

 

Johnny’s impatience grew by the second, until he finally slammed his fist on the table. “Goddamn it! You keep doing this Jae!” Jaehyun froze at this. Johnny had never screamed at him even when he broke his favorite mug that his little brother gave to him. “I’m the dying man Jae! Just give it to me!” He yelled again.

 

“Don't say that! Stop!”

 

“What?! That i'm the dying guy?!”

 

“Stop it!” Jaehyun yelled again as Johnny started repeating ‘I'm the dying man!’ he couldn’t take it. It was hard being on the other end seeing one of your best and only friends dying and knowing you couldn't do anything. Johnny finally stopped when Jaehyun yelled back 10 times worse at him, “I’m the other guy!” and with that the door slammed shut.

 

\------

 

“I’m ready” Johnny said one night. It had been a good few weeks since Jaehyun's birthday and since Jaehyun started spending more time with Johnny. Most nights were spent with Jaehyun on the couch watching a disney movie while Johnny slept wrapped in so many blankets it seemed that he had been swallowed. Jaehyun had kept silent the entire time thinking about it.

 

“Peach?” Johnny said and Jaehyun just nodded. “I want to do it when i'm not feeling good. Feeling good never last that long anyway”

 

Another moment of silence and another tap on Jaehyun’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, I heard you” Jaehyun responded as he sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “ I should have taken off a month from work last month, we could've done more. I don't know” He said more to himself than Johnny.

 

\-----

 

“100 of these little shits” Johnny said as he emptied how yet another pill. “To be honest 100 of any pill could’ve done the same thing” Jaehyun sighed opening another and dumping it. “And it's really hard too”

 

“You think they did that on purpose to stop you?” Jaehyun question looking at how much they had left. “You think someones ever died while doing this?” Johnny said, laughing and in the process spilling some of the powder from the pill outside the cup. For a few minutes the only thing you could was the sound of the pills being opened and the sound of plastic hitting a ceramic bowl.

 

“I was married once” Johnny said, stopping the emptying of the pills.

 

“Are you joking? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn't really tell anyone, it was like a little secret”

“How long?” Jaehyun asked as he leant back on the cabinets. “Just a year and a half, not that long” He sighed as he continued to empty the pills. “I always felt bad about it too, I thought I wanted a life like that, you know, with the kids and a big house with an office job. I left her, though and at that moment I knew it was just me and I needed to be alone” he sighed, looking down. “Then I ended up here, became a DJ and met you. That's when I knew that this was my spot. This was home”

“That timed perfectly well, we finished right as you finished telling me your true past” Jaehyun laughed. Johnny laughed as he rolled his eyes. “What's the next step? ” 

“Fill with four ounces of water, in a few minutes you’ll fall asleep, in another few minutes...” Jaehyun trailed off. “Yeah, I know the next part” Jaehyun sighed as he pulled out another 2 pills from the bag. “You have to take the anti-vomiting pill because it isn't really effective after you vomit it all up. We also have an anti-anxiety pill" Johnny quickly shook his head as he took the anti-vomit pill from Jaehyun. "Oh, we missed this part, it takes one hour for the pill to take effect." 

 

"Should've taken it when we were emptying these out" Johnny sighed, next to him Jaehyun was getting a timer ready. It was now just a waiting game. 

\-------

“Jae?”

“Yeah?”

“You know I don’t believe it, but if there is an afterlife, or in the chance there is. Do you want me to contact you?”

“Please”

\-------

It had been 15 minutes since the timer had gone off. After a small conversation of exactly where Johnny wanted to go he sent Jaehyun for the cup. Which he had to fill up with four ounces of water. It was a surprise to Jaehyun that he didn't just start crying right then and there on the floor. Better yet, that he didn't just put it down all the drain. He knew this was Johnny wanted and he couldn’t stop him. 

Anyone could tell that Johnny was panicking, then again, who wouldn't be scared or panicking when you KNEW you were about to die. Jaehyun sat next to Johnny whispering an encouraging and raspy “Whenever you're ready”.With those 3 words Johnny took the cup from Jaehyun even if he tried holding onto it tighter, Johnny  drank it all at once. Immediately he laid down, taking Jaehyun with him.

The bed shook, Jaehyun didn’t say anything, knowing fully well that it was Johnny shaking. 

“I'm scared” Johnny whispered, looking at Jaehyun. “Don't worry Johnny, everything's going to be fine.” He smiled wearily, Johnny started shaking more as he started crying “Peach, I shouldn’t have taken the pill, I shouldn't have.” 

“It's gonna be alright” Jaehyun said as he held Johnny. “Y-You don't know that” He said, clinging onto Jaehyun's sweatshirt. “I do know”

“Give me your haid as he gripped Jaehyun’s hand hard, the second they made contact. “It's already happening” Johnny cried harder as he closed his eyes

“Jaehyun, I just wanted to tell you that I love you okay?” 

“Okay.” Jaehyun responded, looking at Johnny, whose eyes were now open. “I'm gonna close them again” He whispered. After that, the only thing you could hear in the room was Johnny’s uneven breathing and his crying. Not long after did it all stop. 

The iron tight grip Johnny had on his hand now weakened as he held tighter the body he had in his arms. Thats when he let it all out, the tears had finally escaped and he was finally able to say those 4 words.

 

“I love you too”

 

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/tiddiestiddies)   
>  [insta](https://www.instagram.com/tiddiestiddies/)   
>  [lolnomin insta](https://www.instagram.com/95maknae/)


End file.
